Capture Your Grief 2014

How did Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month treat you guys?  Good?  Gentle?  Was it maybe rougher than you expected?  Which ever way your heart went, know that the only "right" way to grieve is in whatever way you need to!  There is nothing wrong with whatever emotion you felt, or however you chose to handle the triggers.  My heart was with y'all the entire month long, and I sincerely hope you found peace surrounding you during this special month.

I have been busy!  And I feel like I've got so much to tell you!  I had started the month off with a deeply personal blog post about our journey through IVF (<--- click there if you'd like to read it) and it got a lot of attention!  Messages flooded our emails and Facebook with your generous support and well-wishes, and Eric & I couldn't thank you enough for being willing to walk our path through our story!  We were truly humbled! 

My month did not end there, though.  Eric and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary on the 17th, albeit in different time zones, but he still managed to make it special by surprising me with my favorite flowers and a love letter!  I've been working hard on my doula studies and I'm already at the half way point (go me!)!  My cousin stayed with us for a few days before going home to the States, and Isabelle and I spent 5 days in Bucharest, Romania, adding #10 to the foreign countries we have visited, so far!  I have been using Facebook to help spread awareness about pregnancy loss and ways to extend compassion to the loss community.  And us awesome ladies at KMC Healing Hearts had an incredible lighting ceremony and a Return to Zero movie night to honor our babies!  

For me, it has been a healing time! 

But unfortunately, I did not take any pictures for Capture Your Grief.  Being a single parent right now, on top of all of the other things I had going on these last few weeks, made it impossible for me to put any time towards capturing my grief.  Y'all know that I am not creative, so it takes a LOT of thinking and brainstorming for me to come up with pictures that will work to explain my journey in each of these categories, and I just did not have room in my brain for extra thinking this month.
I am really disappointed that I couldn't pull this off!  Usually, I thrive under pressure and a busy schedule, but I just couldn't give this project any of the time I did not have, and I think that sucks.  I would kind of like to do a '30 Grateful Things' photo challenge for November, but it makes my brain itchy if I commit to something but can't finish it.... I don't know what I'm going to do yet.
I had hoped to show you how my healing has evolved since last year, especially since a failed IVF cycle was a curve in our path we hadn't anticipated.  So, I'm just going to chalk this one up to a blog fail { :o( } and will hang onto it for inspiration for next years Capture Your Grief.

Eric and I are at a really amazing place on our path!  We are on the other side of the sadness and are so strong as we have moved past our miscarriages and failed IVF.  I am not trying to make it sound like we breezed through pregnancy loss without a scratch.  Trust me, it has taken us a lot of pain, acceptance and tears to get to where we are!  Coming to a place of peace and joy was not easy, actually, it was a downright brutal & painful process, but we are here- we made it!  With Eric pushing me up from the bottom, and God lifting me from the top, I've managed to come out of that incredibly dark place I fell into after my fourth pregnancy loss.  I can't tell you that I am no longer sad, the loss of a baby changes you and that sadness is apart of me forever now, but I can tell you that I am happy with my sadness.  Does that make sense?  If the sadness is all I have of my four babies then I'll gladly take it.  Eric and I no longer desire to have another child, but we will always long for the babies we were supposed to have.  That is our reality now.

I want to give y'all some information on resources for anyone reading this that is experiencing the pain of pregnancy loss, or for someone that knows someone experiencing the pain of pregnancy loss.  These websites have been hugely comforting for me, and I hope that they will be for you too, if not now, then maybe when you're ready.  

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

• If you are in the KMC community please go to the KMC Healing Hearts Facebook page where you will find a group of women (and me!) that have been through what you have.  We have strong shoulders for you to cry on, vent to, or whatever else you might need!  Each of us have our own stories and perspectives, and here you will not find a single shred of judgement, only comfort and camaraderie!  We do bake sales and monthly get-together's and you are always welcome!

• CarlyMarie Project Heal ( http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/) is based out of Australia and has been a big source of comfort for me.  She tends to appeal to the artistic side of healing, and while I have NO artistic ability, her Capture Your Grief project helps to focus energy into categories that can be expressed in all sorts of ways.  She provides an outlet for the pain- for which I am grateful.  She does memorial photos with your baby's name and did one for my son!  I am working on framing some pictures of my babies to put in a small corner of our bedroom, this picture will be included in that and I love it!  CarlyMarie is my go-to for when I want to look for ways to honor my son and angel babies.

• Recently I was directed to Stillbirthday which has become my loss information bible! ( http://www.stillbirthday.com/) This is who I am getting certified through to become a Bereavement Doula!  This website is particularly helpful if you have just found out that your baby has died, if your baby has been given a fatal diagnosis, or if you want to know what you can do to help in any infant or pregnancy loss situation.  I so wish I had this resource when I was told that my son had died!  I was terrified and had no idea what I was about to go through and couldn't process any of the information my doctor was telling me.  Stillbirthday provides information on certified doula's that can walk with you through your pain, and help make sense of the laws regarding the demise of an infant, and the medical process you will go through.  My hope is that no one ever has to go through that alone and scared!  Link, after link, after link on Stillbirthday will provide you with all information you will need to help you take your first steps down your grieving path.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month might be over for 2014 but I hope to continue helping women & families all year long.   My door is always open to anyone needing to talk, and chances are I'll have a bottle of wine waiting for you (or if it's over the phone or through email, I'll probably still have the wine)!  If you aren't finding comfort from the people surrounding you, as I did when my son was born to Heaven, then please reach out to the online community, or me, because you are not alone!
For me, October was a very healing and busy month, but next year might be different, who knows.  That's the thing with grief, there are good days and bad days and terrible days, and I've learned to take it as it comes, embrace whatever I might be feeling.  It's easier said than done, I know that too.  For right now, though, I am thankful to be where I am.

I dedicate this to you, the woman who is hurting and feels like no one understands.  The woman that hates everything and everyone right now and just wants her baby back and doesn't understand why that is too much to ask.  The woman who is forever changed.