Eric and I were shocked to find out that after 4 years of infertility, we were pregnant! There are no words to describe our shock, I'm sure I could look it up in a thesaurus, but even then, it would not fully describe our shock to find out that we were pregnant! Eric & I had a very tender weekend soaking up what we were staring at, with tears, giggles, and kissing mixed into our absolute shock- It was some of the sweetest moments of my entire life. To say that we were happy would be an understatement. The news put us in a blissful baby bubble that we hoped beyond hope would not burst.
Positive pregnancy test #5!
But our reality is that blissful baby bubbles burst, and ours did. A doctor's appointment revealed that we had caught a very early miscarriage and there was nothing that could be done. With a heavy heart Eric and I chose to treasure the pregnancy until there was nothing left to treasure. We put our faith into God's plan, and tried so very hard not to question Him. Today, my body let go.
This is our 5th loss. I have had losses on almost the entire pregnancy gamut, and I want you to know that not one has ever been "easier" than another. I have experienced loss from very early, to very late. I have seen my babies on ultrasound, heard their heartbeats, and held my dead son in my arms... and then placed him in a casket. I am not telling you this so that you feel sorry for me, I am telling you this to evoke compassion for the pregnancy loss community. I am asking for compassion on behalf of the hundreds of mother's that are going through what I am at this exact moment, who feel an indescribable pain that will last a lifetime, but will no doubt come across a person/people who will make her feel like her baby did not exist. She, needs compassion. She, needs support. She, needs validation.
I had debated on whether I wanted to blog about this, especially so soon. While my blog is mostly about our travel adventures, and I'm sure boring to most, what it isn't, is fluff. I have never lied to you, I don't make my life out to be anything that it isn't, and as heartbreaking as it is, pregnancy loss is a large portion of our life. I wish that it wasn't. I wish that I could fill this blog with only happy posts, but then, it wouldn't really be a blog about our life.... not an honest one, anyway.
We decided that this pregnancy was as special to us as our others and deserved for us to acknowledge it and grieve it. There is no shame, and I'm not going to hide it. Someone is going through what I am, and if that's you I want you to know that you are not alone. I am sad too. I'll be sad with you. I want you to know that when there feels like there is no hope, there is... somewhere... and we'll look for it together.
The joy that Eric & I are trying to focus on (though I have to admit to you that we are having a very difficult time finding the joy right now) is that my body got pregnant again after 4 years of unexplained infertility! And the joy is that Eric and I were given a little life, however briefly we knew each other... And it was precious.