Thursday, October 1, 2015

Hello, October!

It's October, y'all!  My favorite month; a little bittersweet, but still my favorite!  Today starts Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month!  And I'm not sorry to tell you that I am not starting it off with the bang that I did last year when Eric & I decided it was time to blog about our journey through a failed IVF cycle- something we had chosen to keep private until that time.  And considering that we are still getting over the shock of a 2-second pregnancy earlier this year, I begged the Universe to lay off of the bangs for a far, so good.

I'm interested to see how our healing will play out this month, especially after our loss this past February unfairly stole the itty bitty bit of hope Eric & I so carefully held in our hearts, and because very soon we will be permanently ending our ability to have children.  After a 13 year journey (9 since my husband's path joined with ours), a sweet stillborn son, 4 miscarriages, 5 abdominal surgeries, 4+ years of unexplained infertility, and a failed IVF cycle, we have humbly accepted defeat.  And I'm just not sure how that will carve it's place into our loss path yet.  
The defeat aspect is still pretty fresh, and it has been a harder concept to deal with for my man than it has been for me.  Eric is a humble man, but accepting that there will never be an answer to why we have had to watch so many teeny heartbeats stop, why his wife has had to go through excruciating procedures & operations for nothin', and why he will never have a biological child goes beyond heartbreaking for even the humblest of men.  

So while I have no idea how ending our fertility will carve its place into our loss path yet, I can tell you that I want ending our fertility to be a relief, and I want it to allow Eric and I to finally move forward without the delusional hope that there might be a miracle waiting for us around the corner.... 
But I've given up trying to get my path to go in any direction that I want it to, and all I can really hope for is that there will be a bottle of wine waiting for us at the bottom of whatever cliff our path goes off of.

So this could be interesting!  Put a little wine in me and anything could happen on this blog. ;o)

I am planning on participating in Carly Marie's 'Capture Your Grief' photo healing project like I did in 2013, and I'm excited about it!  I wanted to do it last year but just never got the chance to devote a lot of brain space to it, so I'm all about it this year!

But however 'Capture Your Grief' and our healing turns out this month, I hope you'll join me in welcoming Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, and maybe even take a peak at my blogging along the way.  But if not, then maybe you'll consider lighting a candle on the 15th in honor of all babies gone too soon, but most of all, I hope you'll consider putting some compassion into our world in any way you'd like, because to me, that's the most important thing anyone can do to honor anyone.

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