It just became the dumbest thing I have ever wasted my time on. And I got downright over my own damn self.
I hate that Eric is gone, I hate that we're living separate lives (although in constant contact), I especially hate that time has stopped and it's still forever and ever before he comes home again. But I hated even more that I was being completely pathetic about it all. I knew I had to go out and do something, even if it meant doing it by myself.... maybe even especially if it meant doing it by myself.
And I knew the thing I wanted to do the most....
....GO HIKING!!!
Now, in my defense: Yes, I have been a giant pouty awful baby lately. But. It's taken me a little while to get back on a trail because of that really bad hike last summer that affected me for a good while afterwards. I vowed not to go back out on any trail (but especially desert trails) until I was better prepared. And thanks to one of Santa's most adorable helpers who hiked that awful hike with me and just so happened to know what was on my Christmas list and how to shop online like a pro, I got most of what I needed to feel better prepared for getting back on a trail!
But also, I am still struggling with my Epilepsy. There have been no improvements in my seizure activity, even with the amount of medication I am taking, so it was no surprise that with the amount of stress I've been under since Eric left, I had another seizure. Thankfully, it was small, but it was enough to knock me off my feet for a few days. When that happens, it's a waiting game to see if another seizure is lurking, so I have to be mindful of my activity level for a little while afterwards.
And then there is life. Life with a teenager. Life with a teenager who is earning her associates degree at the same time as her high school diploma. Life with your husband deployed overseas. Life. Life is busy, and I'm just trying to keep up. Don't ask me how life is busy but time has stopped, it doesn't make sense and it's really irritating (and I might argue, totally unfair). So hiking and doing much of anything for myself hasn't fit very well into life these last few months.
But with all of those excuses aside, I still couldn't just sit around anymore. I had to force something to fit whether it was going to or not because I needed life to give me just a little bit. And since I was fairly certain the Universe wasn't going to hand me a million dollars for the vacation of my dreams just because I feel like I deserve it, I packed up my brand new Camelbak, my solar powered phone charger, and an extra bottle of water just so that I was for sure prepared to be out in the desert again, and even though I had other things going on that morning and was worried I wouldn't make it back in time (except that I reeeeally needed to make it back in time).... I hit the trail!
I flipped my hair and didn't pay any attention to the fact that I had other things going on that morning, AND I WENT HIKING!!!
I signed myself up for a Women's Hike in the Franklin Mountain State Park. I felt really good about this because I loved the idea of spending the morning with other women in the mountains - encouraging and uplifting each other and meeting new friends just seemed like the perfect way to get back on my hiking feet. And if I had to do something without my buddy, this was how I wanted to do it. We all met up last Saturday morning for an easy 3.5 mile round trip hike, taking the Maze Trail for half of it up to the Tin Mine Road looping back to the starting point.
The description on Facebook said that the hike would be "moderately difficult," but as we were walking I didn't think it was even moderate, and that's coming from an amateur. But then I noticed the teeny tiny 3 year old hiking the same trail as me who never even broke a sweat, so either I was just getting so good at hiking (hair flip) that a "moderately difficult" hike felt like a cinch, or Facebook was peddling some mighty false confidence to an awful giant pouty baby looking to go hiking.
I'll let you decide.
Girl power!
I can't remember what the name of this bush is called, but the Park Ranger said that this is what rain smells like in the desert, and for her, this is what "home" smells like. It smelled really good. I'm not sure I've noticed it when it rains here, but I'll try to see if I smell it from now on.
Poppies
Us ladies spent the morning walking and listening to the Park Ranger (who I was not letting out of my sight this time) and enjoying the weather. It seriously could not have been a more perfect morning for hiking. Other than knowing I might be strapped for time, I lost all sense of obligation once I was on that trail, and I began to remember why I loved hiking so much. Last summer's awful horrible hike gone-wrong almost took my desire away for hiking completely, but now I was remembering why I loved it again. I love that walking on trails takes away all sense of obligation. I love being outside and feeling my muscles working. I can tell a huge difference in my endurance since first moving here almost two years ago, and I know it's because I've acclimated to the elevation and that my regular HIIT workouts are continuously changing and strengthening my body. I love that my body is serving me the way that it's supposed to when I'm on a trail, rather than failing me in every which way when I'm not. I feel stronger and more confident on a trail, and I really needed to feel that again. I still have a lot to learn and more difficult trails to attempt, but I was glad to be out doing what makes me happy, with all of my worries dissolving along the way.
I was missing my guy, but getting myself out there and not knowing a single person was a big deal for me. I was doing something for me. Finally. During the last few months there hasn't been a single day that I have been able to take just for me. Even if I only had a precious couple of hours on this one day of this one week to go on a quick 3.5 mile hike, I was so thankful that I decided to take it. And even that was an accomplishment for me. Normally I wouldn't even chance those few hours if I thought I might be late for something else. Hiking was what I needed to feel better about my husband being gone, but actually, hiking was what I needed to remind myself that I am still that very independent, strong-minded, ambitious person that I used to be.
And that person deserves a minute to do the things she loves to do, and she doesn't need to wait to do it.
This Yucca plant is beginning to bloom! Yucca plants are edible - good to know for survival if you're ever lost in the desert (again).
East El Paso in the distance. My house is out there somewhere.
After the hike was finished I high-tailed it to the thing I needed to get to. Thankfully I was not late, but I was a bit sweaty and gross. I didn't care and no one else seemed to either, so it was just another reminder that I can go and do the things I want to do, if I want to do them.
And I guess that's another lesson hiking has taught me! Just go get your ass out there! The trails are waiting! And what's more important than that?!
Look, just to be clear, it's not like Eric and I have never been apart from each other in our 13 years together. He is in the Army. We're probably apart more than we are together. Hell, we spent the first 6 months of our marriage living in two different States. It's just that this deployment happened so suddenly and it's taken me a sec to wrap my heart around it.
Eric and I don't ever want to get used to being apart from each other - that's not how we are, that's not how we work within our marriage, that's not how we are as parents, and that's not what we want for all the times that he's been gone and has come home from extended periods of time. Our connection is what is important to us and we work to nurture it. And I won't make apologies for that.
But sure, forgetting to make myself a priority in the mix of a busy life is not good. And being a giant pouty baby is just annoying.
And that is another lesson I learned while hiking!
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