Sunday, January 14, 2018

It's My Brain's Fault

Blogging has been extremely difficult for me lately and it's all my brain's fault.  I have been on a very long and complicated journey with my health for the last few months, taking what little focus of mine that wasn't already on my daughter or husband and leaving nothing to give to this blog of mine. Which is why things have been so desolate on here for so long.  

I am currently seeing three different specialists who I swear to you went to medical school for the sole purpose of ganging up on me just to drive me to insanity by having me crisscross all over this city for their individual separate appointments and then crisscross back again to get poked for the same exact blood tests that they each ordered but didn't tell each other just so that they could all go back to their lair and laugh maniacally together at how their evil plan is coming along perfectly as they twirl their gross thin mustaches because they've successfully made a person go insane (just kidding, none of them have mustaches).  Eric and I are hoping that the bulk of the testing is over with, but just when we start to think that we get thrown a curve ball like a bone marrow biopsy days before Christmas (but that's a whole other blog post and my brain just isn't ready to talk about that yet, and it's still a little salty about that particular curve ball so now is probably not a good time to talk about it anyway).   

To be honest, it's hard to know where to begin because we don't have any answers yet, and everything that is going on has been happening so fast and is so intertwined and complicated that I couldn't make it make sense even with a clear head, but also, I'd like to maintain some of my privacy and not go into a lot of detail.  

What I'm comfortable telling y'all at this point is that we know that I have a serious seizure disorder and have very recently started seizure medication which has put me into a major fog.  We don't know why, we don't know what's causing them, we just know that they're there and that seizure medication was absolutely critical.  With all medications there are side effects and there are adjustment periods, and I know that this is no different, especially one that needs time to work it's magic on a majorly malfunctioning brain, and after two weeks I can feel that I'm starting to turn a corner (I hope), but it has been a giant life changing adjustment that my little family was not prepared for, and it too has me a little salty.  
I have been struggling with "gaps" - that's what I call them because there are gaps in my thought process and even how I put my words together.  I'm forgetting simple things and simple parts of my routine.  I get lost really easily in stores or on my way to places that I've been to dozens of times already.  I lose track of what I'm doing constantly and get confused really easily, which then immediately turns into my getting emotional.  Step-by-step instructions like recipes get scrambled and I can't manage to unscramble them even though they are easily numbered, which makes it infuriating.  I am losing weight and am hungry all the time but I forget whether I've already eaten or I forget to eat completely so then being hungry at all becomes extremely aggravating to me. 

So to sum it all up: I feel like a gosh damned child, and I am not so sure there are moments I've acted like it too.  

But don't let me make things sound so dire.  Sure things have been rough, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other and I think I've turned a corner!  I'm not sure where this journey is going with my health but whatever, I've been through worse so I'm not all that worried.  I'm a little bit irritated that I'm even on this journey since I was just on one with my fertility and it ended peacefully and I was just getting my body back and had started to fall in love with hiking, but that's okay, Universe, I see you, you want me to go through this too, okay, I can handle it.  I might want to cuss you out a bit, but we'll talk about that later.
I am thankful every day for access to the excellent healthcare that I have at my fingertips, and for my husband who lovingly points to obvious landmarks for me to remember in the mall or store that we're in when I begin to wander off (I do that a lot) so that I don't forget where to find him, and to my daughter who is inherently good and kind and says "mom, it's okay, just read it slowly until it makes sense, it's okay, you'll get it." without ever making me feel bad.  

I've wanted to give y'all an explanation for a while now on why I have been so quiet.  It's not like me to just drop off the face of the blog universe the way that I did and I feel terrible about it.  Other than that, life has been really good. Isabelle is great!  She is keeping me so so busy!  So busy, in fact, that I almost don't have time to think about those maniacal mustache twirling doctors.  


  1. Thank you for your post! I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and I’m glad you didn’t fall off the face of the blogging universe, lol. I’m so very sorry you’re having to endure such a difficult medical journey, especially after all you’ve gone through in regards to fertility. I hope that your doctors figure out what’s causing your seizures and your other symptoms and can offer you a solution. I’m so sad for you. Thank you for your post though, and I look forward to more in the future!!

  2. So sorry to hear this news. I love following your blog. I hope that you get some answers soo. Thinking of you!