Monday, October 15, 2012

Everything Was Perfect.... Until It Wasn't Anymore.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Today, I remember my sweet babies and I thought I'd share my story.  I have left out most of the details, but I remember each of these moments vividly, I just don't have the energy to re-live the details anymore.  I was there, and it sucked.  Really badly.  I want to share my story...just not every single detail.

My first pregnancy ended at 20 weeks.  I had heard his heartbeat at every doctors appointment up until that day, I had a perfect belly, he was so handsome on ultrasound, and I had just started to feel him move.  Everything was perfect.... until it wasn't anymore.  On May 3, 2002 my baby's heartbeat was gone.  No warning and no explanation.   I was admitted into the hospital, into the labor & delivery unit where a tear drop was placed on the outside of my hospital room door to let the staff know that my baby would be born dead.  The process of getting induced began just as it would for any other expectant mom.  It took a total of 33 hours for my body to give birth... It's a BOY!!  He was born at 6:05 p.m, weighed 1/2 of a pound, had blue eyes... beautiful blue eyes that would never see my face.... and his hands were so sweetly resting on his tummy.  My mom was the first to lay on eyes on him; I just sobbed.  I was given all the time in the world to hold him, I got to wrap him in a blanket and take pictures- The first, and last time I would get to do these things.   I was madly in love.  He was so wanted.  I have never been the same.  

Isabelle is my second baby!  Her pregnancy was difficult; physically difficult but emotionally unbearable.  I lived every single second terrified that she was going to be gone with no warning.    She was so wanted.  My doctor did everything he could to keep Isabelle healthy, I had twice weekly appointments and monthly ultrasounds.  There were complications along the way and I was placed on bed rest, which added to my terror, but, she held on and was born just  9 1/2 months after her brother by emergency c-section.  She weighed 5lbs 9oz and she was alive!  I was madly in love.  I have never been the same.

Eric and I have been pregnant 3 times....
We found out that we were expecting 2 months after our wedding.  Blissfully in love and now we're going to have a baby!  We were ecstatic!  Eric was so proud!  We saw his heartbeat and our baby was growing! He was so wanted.  Everything was perfect.... until it wasn't anymore.  At 10 weeks his heartbeat stopped.  No explanation, no warning.  We have never been the same.

Just 3 months later we were pregnant again!  But almost immediately we knew that this precious soul was not going to stay.  We waited for my body to begin the process of letting go and at 7 weeks it was over.  No explanation.  We were madly in love.  This baby was so wanted.

It was at this point that my doctor decided that my high-risk status was now even higher and I needed to be treated by a specialist, a fertility specialist.  We began months of tests and ultrasounds, all came back normal and healthy.  

Everything was perfect.... until it wasn't anymore. 

The next step was an exploratory surgery... which came back not normal.  I was diagnosed with stage IV Endometriosis.  Stage IV, worst of the worst.  But, by the grace of God, there was not a single lesion on any of my reproductive organs!  So, we had an answer!  Kind of.... The Endometriosis was severe and located in dangerous & delicate places and needed to be removed immediately, but my doctor could not say that it was causing my miscarriages.  And it did not cause the stillbirth of my son.
Two weeks after the exploratory surgery (and 8 days after my beloved Grandma Sue's passing) I was admitted into the hospital for a major abdominal operation to remove all of the lesions.  The operation lasted 5 hours.  A 10 inch incision was cut across my lower abdomen and I had 16 incisions inside of my abdominal cavity where the lesions were removed.  I did not come out of anesthesia well.  I kept 'forgetting' to breath.  So I was put on oxygen with an alarm that would alert the nurses & Eric to tell me to breath or shake me awake when I'd 'forget,' which was constantly and Eric never slept.  I spent 5 days in the hospital, my husband by my side, and 7 weeks at home recovering with strict orders to stay off my feet.  No pushing, no pulling, no lifting , and no standing for more than a few minutes for 7 entire weeks.  I have never been the same.

3 months later we found out we were pregnant again!  Our little rainbow baby!  We saw her precious heartbeat twice and she was growing!  Everything was perfect.... until it wasn't anymore.  At 10 weeks her heartbeat was gone.  No explanation, no warning.  We were madly in love.  She was so wanted.  We have never been the same.

 I have been pregnant 5 times, and the pregnancies were perfect..... until they weren't anymore.... 


  1. Oh, Melissa, you make me want to give my kids huge hugs. And I'm so thankful I have them, and that you have Isabelle. It's so hard when you want more and you think you have it, and then it's gone. But then we were lucky enough to be blessed with our Erika. I'm hoping for the same for you!

  2. Melissa-you are so unbelievably strong. You have many angels waiting for you in Heaven. Thank you for sharing your story. Even though I have been blessed with 5 healthy babies my loss shook me to my core and forever changed me. My heart aches for the losses you've had to endure. I pray that one day when you guys are ready to try again you finally get another take-home baby. You deserve that more than anyone.

  3. I'm 18 and currently going through the process of finding out whether or not I have endometriosis or not. We're not too sure whats wrong with me but there is something funny going on with my body. They won't do exploratory surgery till I try and fail to conceive, or miscarry. Until then, I am told "Hope it doesn't get worse." I am very scared to have to go through this, but your story made me feel like SOMEBODY understands. Thank you so much for sharing, and good luck in the future!

  4. Your extremely brave for sharing all that. Im 22 and have two little girls Miranda is 2 1/2 and Savanna is 1. Miranda was born at 2.9 lbs (3 months early) and everyday at the hospital with her was a blessing because I was able to see her, yet the scariest time of my life because at any time I could lose her. Then when I was pregnant with Savanna I was high risk because I tested positive for FFN with Miranda. Each day of pregnancy was very scary but we made it through and are very fortunate to have two beautiful/ healthy little girls. I wish you all the luck in the world when you try again.

  5. I had my daughter at 37 Weeks (she was absolutely beautiful) her birthday is December 6, 2010 she was not breathing and needed to be admitted in to the hospital. She passed away 4 days later. I never imagined having to go through something so tragic. I miss my daughter terribly and I think of her every day. My heart goes out to any mother who has had to say goodbye to their children.