Sunday, November 5, 2023

Wrinkled Matrix

In my last blog post I explained how protective my husband and I felt about us moving to Korea; so protective that it took us almost a year to feel ready to tell anyone.  And even after we began telling people, I worried that by blogging about it to everyone it would disrupt the Matrix.  And I was right, BECAUSE ALL TIME HAS STOPPED SINCE I POSTED THAT BLOG!  It has only been a few months since Eric left and simultaneously a bajillion years.  Don't ask me how that's possible, but IT. IS.

And... at about the time that calendars came to a halt, I made the startling realization that these last few months were the very first months of my entire life that I have been completely alone.  For the first time in my entire life.

And I just feel like with everything that is happening in my life right now to align with something I've never experienced before, is all because I opened my big mouth and wrinkled up the Matrix.

I went from my childhood home straight into a horrible situation with someone who I ignored and endured everything for.  It was an easy transition to make because I didn't know any better.  I was still a teenager when we met and didn't know what terrible was when it was staring me in the face because being treated terribly (and that's putting it lightly) by every important person and relationship in my life (except for my beloved Grandma Sue) was all I ever knew.  
It was three years into that when the trajectory of my entire life pivoted so abruptly.  In less than a year, I began navigating both a profound loss and motherhood simultaneously.  That juxtaposition was bigger than the abuse I was enduring and forced me to stop ignoring how bad the situation truly was.  From then on I poured every ounce of myself onto my baby girl and getting her out of the mess we were in.  All while in the middle of extreme grief, living under dire circumstances, with almost nothing to offer the situation we were in.  

While that paragraph is all the words I ever care to give to the first two decades of my life, the point I'm trying to make is that a beautiful and healing and love-filled life followed. 
A life where I went back to school and graduated college; a life that now includes therapy and self-care; where a passionate, safe, and deeply connected partnership with my husband is our touchstone; countless incredible places, people, and experiences lived.  But most importantly, it has been a life where my precious daughter has grown up in safety and love and is valued beyond measure.

But also, it's a life that includes the Army too.  The good and the bad, the blessings and the sacrifices, all that is included into this love-filled life too.  Which is how I got to this moment right here where I am sitting all by lonesome for the first time ever.  

Where the Army needs our Soldier, he goes, whether we like it or not.  We have faced many Army-caused separations, but this one just so happened to be the first to come during our empty-nest chapter of life.  With my daughter all grown up now and out in the world on her own, and my husband across the world for work, I had no one else but my own self to take care of.  I had never not had anyone else to take care of before.  The realization that I had to actually think about my own needs and wants, without anyone else to distract myself from it, while also dealing with a bajillion years fitting into a single day, was... startling. 

I am not one to let the poetics of life aligning like this to go unnoticed, so I've really concentrated on embracing this time and digging deep into my own company and how that feels. 

But let me just cut to the chase and tell you all right now that Eric and I are not meant to be apart and this has been some of the hardest few months we've ever experienced.  But even so... I can't help but to feel like I am supposed to be mindful of how hard this is, and to just lean into it.

Which is what I've been doing!

I am thankful for my job that keeps me busy and fulfilled.  After a very difficult year last year, I am reveling in a job that brings me absolute joy.  I am stupidly busy with trivial things like dishes and laundry and grocery shopping, the kinds of things that Eric would normally have done for me or helped me with.  I kept busy this summer fretting over insanely hot temperatures in our RV until I finally called a technician who fixed our a/c and got us living comfortably again (long story).  For two weeks I kept extra busy with a medical episode with our Journey-wormy-baby-waby-stinky-winky-boy, who is healthy and fine now, but for a minute we didn't think he would be (another long story).  I have not been going to the gym and it shows.  And I've been doing my best to explore the area I now live in all by myself. 

Brown v. Board of Education National Historical Park - Topeka, KS

Fort Larned National Historic Site - Kansas

Sunflowers and a selfie stick

St. Louis, Missouri

I've also stayed busy learning to speak Korean.  I can introduce myself in Korean and read Korean, maybe order food in Korean, and the Principal of the Korean school I go to told me herself that my Korean handwriting is impeccable.  But I have a loooong ways to go and every day I feel like I want to quit.  I forgot how to say goodbye (one of the very first things I ever learned) when I was leaving class a few weeks ago and some sort of gibberish + gagging came out of my throat instead.  I embarrassed myself in front of my entire class when I was just trying to scooch around someone to leave and now my brain will replay that over and over for infinity.

I painted this myself for Hangul Proclamation Day.  It translates to "laughing flower," but basically means "laugh brightly like a blossoming flower."

I've really dug deep these last few months and I've decided... I'm pretty great!  I like how I look at people and the world around me, and I like how I use my energy on joyful things.  I like how satisfying it feels to go to the recycling center every other week and that I look forward to going.  I've spent a lot of time thinking about mistakes I've made and how to do better.  I am working on creating and enforcing boundaries on anything toxic in my life.  I miss mothering my daughter when she was little but I love being an empty nester and watching my girl make her own decisions (but I love it even more when she calls me and asks me questions about literally anything).  I am unapologetically obsessed with my husband and our connection and our love for each other.  And I love how I really wanted to put 'obsessed' in all caps, but didn't, but like, I see that part of myself that really wanted to.  

And I unequivocally love my life.  

Even those first two decades.  I don't need to waste time putting them into words or spend any amount of energy thinking about them, but I understand that I wouldn't be where I am or who I am if I hadn't experienced those years first.  And they give important context on how I ended up on my own for the first time ever.

Now... if I could just figure out how to smooth out the Matrix and get time going forward again, I'd be unstoppable!

No comments:

Post a Comment